“It’s Going to Take More than a Village”

by Jessica Davis

As Hillary Clinton continues to widen the gap in the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her chances of emerging victorious in the general election, however, are as uncertain as her memory of billing records from the Whitewater scandal. Though she has feverishly worked to tightly control her image with a “scripted-or-declined” interview policy, her reputation as the ruthless, power-hungry wife of Bill Clinton has been documented by countless people who have worked closely with her throughout the years. While most Americans have not read any of the dozens of books devoted to exposing her cold political calculus, they are discovering it on the campaign trail. Touting a whopping 44% unfavorable rating among Americans, Presidential nominee frontrunner Hillary seems not a far cry from the old “Hil” Republicans have loved to hate:

• OLD: Devoting herself to improving Arkansas’ educational system, First Lady Hillary catapulted the state’s national rank from 49^th to 49^th in only eight years.
• NEW: Evidently, Hillary’s concern for children has uterine parameters—she voted to keep alive the grotesque, nauseatingly cruel practice of sucking out partially born babies’ brains. The vote contributed to her proud 0% rating for family values by the Christian Coalition and even prouder 100% rating from the pro-choice organization NARAL (though she received extra points for her broad pant suit collection).
• OLD: Hillary’s close friend and inept national security advisor Sandy Berger, in an effort to cover up gross mishandlings of our national security under the Clinton administration, stole papers from the National Archives, literally stuffing them into his pants. Documents containing information pertinent to the 9/11 Commission’s investigation were intentionally destroyed.
• NEW: Hillary recently welcomed the disgraced criminal to informally advise her campaign. How comforting to know such a man could potentially stand at the helm of drafting national security policy again. Some would read such a move as a reward for his silence, though I’m inclined to believe she wished to demonstrate her blazing acuity.
• OLD: In 1993, Hillary related to Rep. Dennis Hastert her admiration of social policy in Europe. Using these socialist models as inspiration, she embarked on her crusade towards universal healthcare. The disastrous results were deemed a miserable defeat by even Hillary herself.
• NEW: Despite failure, her dogged pursuit of actualizing socialist ideology in America has by no means diminished. In a fund-raising speech in San Francisco in 2004, she stated: “We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.” Of course, I’m unfairly twisting her words out of context, though I doubt her statement was actually referencing her undying commitment to the free market, liberty, and individual rights.

She recently trumpeted a plan promising $5,000 baby bonds (costing taxpayers $20 billion) until close advisors reminded her babies can’t legally vote. After the idea of altering the Constitution’s voting age to 0 proved too daunting, she quickly evolved the plan into $1,000 for everybody.

• OLD: In book after book, her elitist, imperious personality filled with innumerable F-bombs and Jewish slurs, directed towards her husband, secret service agents, state troopers, and anyone she likes to call  “S***-kickers” has been corroborated by many.
• NEW: Do you think this side of her has vanished? English playwright and poet John Dryden noted, “We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.”

In her official Presidential kickoff, she requested a conversation with us. Though it appears registered Democrats are in a chatty way, I believe the rest of the American public and myself don’t think we could stomach a dialogue with her.

Jessica has a B.A. in Political Science with a minor in Military History. Her email address is Jess.Davis@alumni.duke.edu.